Then I Flew Over the Ocean and Changed my Mind
Happy Wednesday friends and frenemies! I started this morning trying La Colombe’s draft latte in pumpkin spice. It was kinda weird but I’m still drinking it as I type this.
In other news, I made a conscious effort to try and do 50/50 fun reads and reads about our terrible nation. I’m trying to be more of an optimist—or at least taking a break from things that make me scared!
I have a rotation of about four podcasts I dip into on any given week. WHO Weekly is when I need my serotonin levels to be raised like nothing else, Nice White Parents when I want to feel learned and follow a story, American Girls when I want to learn more about history and fangirl over Samantha and Molly, and Dewy Dudes. It’s a podcast where two male hosts discuss all things skincare—they also have an excellent instagram account that’s just memes.
It’s not usually the podcast I turn to for deep thinking, until I listened to their interview with Emily Ferber, writer at Into the Gloss and Brand Strategist for Glossier. They get into the nitty gritty of routines and ingredients but Emily also dives into the shifting landscape for brands in beauty. Gen Z is changing how brands make skincare, and according to her it may not be the best. It was like a small peak inside the marketing factory that is Glossier, through the mind of Emily Ferber (granted, she’s not giving away company secrets, but it’s clear through her analysis of other brands is through the Glossier lends). It’s a fascinating listen for anyone interested in the way brands are responding to the shifting tides.
This newsletter has already become a thing of accountability for me. Something that no matter what’s going on in my life I have to turn to every other week. I have to find my thoughts and make them sound semi coherent on this page that will be sent out. And maybe that’s why I did it—because I needed less of a deadline and more of a motivator. A place that I am required to enter every two weeks.
I haven’t been able to get Phoebe Bridger’s Kyoto out of my head for days. This might be because I was just able to teach myself it on the guitar. But that usually doesn’t happen—I’m trying to learn Hey There Delilah (it’s harder than you think!) and I am not walking around hearing “What’s it like in New York City?” every time I get a snack from the kitchen.
You called me from a payphone
They still got pay phones
It cost a dollar a minute
To tell me you're getting sober
And you wrote me a letter
But I don't have to read it
I hear the lyrics swarming in my head. Each time it circulates I hear something different. It’s still a song about having a shitty dad. About being disappointed in your parents.
I'm gonna kill you
If you don't beat me to it
Dreaming through Tokyo skies
I wanted to see the world
Then I flew over the ocean
And I changed my mind
But it’s also a song about seeing something new. Seeing a new place, seeing a person you’ve known for a long time in a new way.
I read once somewhere that we get songs stuck in our heads not because of melodies or catchy phrases but because it attaches to a feeling or memory in our lives.
I wanted to see the world
Through your eyes until it happened
Then I changed my mind
So maybe there’s a deeper reason it’s what echoes when there should be silence or a grocery list or semi formed thought in my head. It’s a song about changed perspectives.
The other night I did a self tarot reading (a skill I taught myself recently) and pulled the Judgement card upside down. Reversed cards have their own meanings, and although the Judgement card is typically one of receiving answers, and judgement, the reversed is about me receiving judgement from myself.
Guess I lied
I’ve been really tough on myself the past few months. I’m not taking care of myself, I’m not doing my physical therapy exercises, I’m not good enough, smart enough, whatever. I’ve imagined this part of my life so differently from how it is. I wanted to see the world. I wanted things for myself that aren’t here.
I'm a liar
Who lies
'Cause I'm a liar
So I guess I’m undergoing a perspective shift. I’m coming face to face with my expectations and seeing the way they can’t line up with how I am right now. And that’s not a bad thing. I’m not giving up on my dreams or goals. I’m just seeing myself more clearly. Without the heaviness of a judgement. I want to look at myself in the mirror and change my mind about what I see.
Buying Myself Back by Emily Ratajkowski (The Cut)
Photo by Tina Tyrell
[TW assault]
It took me a while to warm up to Emily Ratajkowski. Maybe this is because my first, like most of the world’s, introduction to her was through her nude role in the Blurred Lines music video. A song that has permanently landed on my “I stand with the Patriarchy” playlist and a video that to this day makes me cringe. Ratajkowski initially said she felt the video portrayed women in power (despite the fact that the men were all fully clothes and the lyrics claim “I know you want me” and “You’re just an animal”). She’s since admitted she completely regrets it.
But as of late she’s received notoriety for her writing and her thoughts on feminism. My friend Arden followed her on instagram. She protested at the White House. I gave her a follow too. And this article, although not making me a full stan, has pushed me firmly into fan territory (as well as gave me an immense amount of respect for her).
Ratajkowski writes about the strange situation of not being in control of photos of herself. It’s often men who own her image—photographers, artists, even an ex boyfriend who she had split the cost of a painting of her. She’s an exceptionally good writer, and this piece could have easily been left at her musings at being the subject, except for her willingness to recount a traumatic night with a photographer who sexually assaulted her when she was 20.
Her story, although intensely personal, is highly relatable, even for someone (me) who has never been a model, who is not someone whose photos float the web (beyond on my instagram). Being a woman, there’s always the feeling that the men in our lives want to exploit us. Using our image, using their idea of us, using private information we give them to create a version that is false. A version they can spread around or they keep to themselves until it’s ready to launch. Being haunted by someone’s view of you, that you know to be false.
Jonathan Ledger, who photographed and assaulted Ratajkowski, defended releasing the Polaroids. She had shot fully nude before. She appeared naked in the Blurred Lines video! But what Jonathan, and many others fail to recognize, is context makes all the difference. That the circumstances women choose to get undressed is what separates a healthy consensual encounter from not. An encounter we can claim as ours to one that we cannot.
Cops are bad. And it’s not just a few bad apples as the media and police departments like to say, but the entire institution. Case and point is highlighted in the New York Magazine story In L.A. County, Gangs Wear Badges by Zak Cheney-Rice. And it’s not a figure of speech—within the LA County Sheriff Station people don the name the Executioners and use their power to get better assignments, set illegal arrest quotas, and celebrate their kills. It’s a chilling look inside a police department. It’s not “implicit bias” at work here, but men whose lives are dedicated to racism. For more reading check out this LA Times article by Alene Tchekmedyian and Maya Lau.
As some of you may know, I’m moving into a new apartment at the beginning of next month. I also have no ability to organize—hence why my current apartment is essentially just clutter stacked on clutter. So I’ve been watching The Home Edit on Netflix to try and get a better understanding how how to organize my life. Curious to learn more about these magical women, I read Instagram Is Coming for your Sock Drawer by Amanda FitzSimons (New York Times). Apparently, although the women can organize your pantry within an inch of their lives, their own lifestyle is riddled with exhaustion and striving for less. It’s this high bar low bar lifestyle that made them such big hits on instagram.
I also learned that they’re both Jewish, which does kind of track.
And that’s all I got budds! As per usual, smash that subscribe button if you’re not, feel free to share with fans and foes alike. And if you got any feedback reply to this!
I didnt know much about Emily R but that article was so good! She's a good writer! And yes to the Zack Cheney Rice article, love him!