"I'm In Act I of a Rom-Com" Part I: An interview with Emily Bice
My conversation with the writer behind 129 Ways to Get a Life
Historically, my substack has been a space where I explore my own thoughts. But I thought it was time to dive into someone else’s.
I’ve been riveted by my friend Emily Bice’s substack, 129 Ways to Get a Life, since the first installment dropped last November. It’s a project where Emily follows the advice of a 1958 advice column on how to get a husband, but with a modernized twist. Emily’s not looking for a husband—or even just for love—she wants to build a life, expand her horizons, and see where this journey takes her. (And, if she falls in love along the way, that works).
As I followed along on her journey—learning to descale a fish, joining a run club—my nosy mind couldn’t help but wonder, how had this experiment impacted her dating life? Did getting a part time job at a convention center help her fall in love? What had she discovered about herself?
So I asked her.
We hopped on Zoom on a Sunday morning. That evening, she’d be heading to an in person speed dating event hosted by her friends. We started talking about her previous dating experience. She told me one story of a date she’d had in LA—an hours long adventure that began with a drink and ended with sneaking into the Roosevelt Hotel pool. That had been one of her favorite dates—the adventure date.
“But the issue with those kinds of dates,” she told me, “is there are a lot of smoke and mirrors. And with him, it wasn’t until date 2 or 3 until that I realized the most interesting thing might have been the fun we were having.”
Her story reminded me of an episode of “The Other Two”1 where the protagonist spends a perfect evening with a guy (secret swimming pool, cotton candy eating by the Hudson River) and finds out that his perfect date was actually a method actor in a teen rom com episode.
I told her, “we all wanna live in a rom com so bad.”
And she replied, “it’s interesting you said that, because I feel like I’m living in the first act of so many different Romcoms. So many prompts either track with a real life rom com, or should be one.”
This idea hit me hard. It’s the reason there’s an impending Part II to this post. But today, I’m gonna stick to Emily’s perspective .
Below are portions of our interview, condensed and edited for clarity:
Sarah: You said yourself, you feel like you're living in the act one of a Romcom. How has that impacted your dating life?
Emily: [when I started the project] I wanted to start over in a sense. I was this new Emily. So that's where the initial feelings of oh, I feel like I'm living in act one of a different movie came from. We’ve got a bible’s worth of backstory, but we are starting in act 1.
But [with the list] it didn’t start to feel like Act I of a rom com until I went to the art class. It felt like something really special, like a movie. This girl goes to an art lecture, ends up in the paint room or the clay room during a wine party. And then my narrative brain immediately starts writing what it could be: Hot sculpture student is there. We whisk away to the gallery. I would quickly game out, what is the whole movie version of this scenario? That’s the first way it started to affect my list. I would get caught up in thinking about, where does this go? This is act one. What's act 2? Act 3?
But when I say I feel like I've been living in Act one of a Romcom—it’s not the whole list. It’s all of these separate experiences that have happened from doing this list and me changing. I’ve definitely had whirlwind experiences before, but I think the difference here was I felt a lot more control. I've never before felt this sense of control.
Before this project started, I was learning that I needed to be more open with people. I was seeing this guy who was really sweet, but it ended because he said, “you won’t open up to me. I don’t know you.” It had been months, and he just said “I know there’s something you’re not telling me.” And it really shook me. It was a moment that felt like a scene from a movie. But I wasn’t in control of it—I felt like I was watching my own life. I was seeing him doing this amazingly sweet, wonderful thing. But I didn’t have control. And now in my life, there are similarly wonderfully kind, magical gestures and experiences. But I’m in control of it. I’m aware of it.
Sarah: Now, it's not just waiting for the other shoe to drop. You’re deciding to wanna put yourself out there. You can make part of the Romcom happen.
Emily : yeah, it's the sense of choice and autonomy that I don't think I ever had before, because I don't think I understood myself, or how I was interacting with people, both romantically and platonically. And now, I don't think I have necessarily changed, but I think the way I approach things has completely changed.
Sarah: Because you're approaching things in a more open way.
Emily: And with more intentionality. For a long time I was waiting for people to choose me, to help me--in career, friendship, love. I was waiting for someone else to see that I needed something and to help me. I was waiting for things to happen—I was feeling the need to be validated, to be chosen. And I realized, in doing that, I don’t have any control. But now doing this list, I can make something happen.
Sarah: So can I give the example of, the guy you texted when you had covid? [Emily and I had a conversation before this one where she told me this story.] You had Covid and you texted both the guys you were seeing. And one of them sent you soup. And you felt like, I’m going to choose to involve myself with you. But as you got to know him, you didn’t love what you found with him. It's like, those gestures that people crave are not signs that this is your person necessarily. But there is a power in saying, let’s see where this leads.
Emily: And it was even the power of being able to be text the other guy I was dating, and him just saying “Damn”. [Emily did not see that guy again] There’s so much to just taking what people give you, choosing to engage. I had Covid, and I was sad cause New Year's sucked, and so I told the 2 people I had been like seeing. And I chose to tell them because I wanted to bring them in. And part of this journey is, I’ve been making choices where I want to roll the dice and see what happens. I'm excited about whatever the result is. I create environments where things can happen.
Sarah: So let’s talk about Boat Man, because that is the story that I think, is the most rom-com like.
Emily: Fully You’ve Got Mail. So I don’t know if I told you this but right before Boat Man I fully quit this whole list. I felt like I was doing so much, working so hard, and I don’t know where the result is. Probably one of my best and worst qualities is, I am very optimistic, and I really do like believe the best in people, and that things will work out. And it was one of those moments where I was like--it doesn't always work out. I told my parents that I was quitting everything. I was gonna do something more pragmatic, kill these dreams.
Sarah: And you're talking about in terms of the list, or in terms of other things?
Emily: Everything. I felt like, I can’t be a writer anymore. I don't want to wake up in 5 years and still be hustling and not have lived my life. I have been given so many opportunities, and nothing big has happened. So many of my friends and peers have become astronomically successful. And I think, okay, it's happening for them. I'm proud of the writing I'm putting out, but it hasn’t happened. I don’t think it has anything to do with talent. Life does not work out for everybody, and it might not work out for me in this way. And so I thought, maybe I just need to read the writing on the wall and call it. I’m proud I’ve been such a hard worker, busting my ass. But I'm like at some point it's not supposed to be this hard.
Sarah: Everything that you’re saying, I literally said to my therapist Thursday night. In terms of “writing shouldn’t be this hard.” “It doesn't have to do with my talent.” I completely feel that in my career.
Emily: It’s like waiting for this nugget that says, keep going.
Sarah: I think of it like the universe co-signing you.
Emily: I like that….This stage wasn’t act one of my rom com. It was the All is lost moment. I told my family—I said, I can’t do this anymore. And they were really wonderful and said, “we support you going to grad school if you want to take a different path. But you can’t quit writing. And you can’t stop the list. You’ve worked so hard. And you can’t give it up.” And I told my close friends, and they all had similar responses. We’ll support you, but you can’t stop writing. It’s who you are.
And that was the larger wakeup call. If I’m going to keep doing this, it needs to be for me. So it was actually incredibly freeing. Because then I thought, if I’m gonna keep doing this, then I’m a writer for me. I hope it turns into something great. But it was this moment of—I don’t have to be this one thing. I think I put so much of my identity and worth into being a writer that I needed to quit to keep going.
So I thought, okay, I’m not going to quit. I’m going to open myself up to other possibilities. So I was like, I gotta keep doing the list.
And I made a flyer that said, seeking a co-owner of a boat. [Emily’s goal was to matchmake people who replied]. My friend put the flyers up in Bushwick. And I got a couple of emails that were funny and interesting. But then I didn't get a ton. And I was thinking, another failure in the books of Emily, another thing that’s good but not gonna hit. But then I was sitting on a plane at Laguardia. And I got this email.
And I thought, this is funny. Fine, I’m sitting in the airport. I’ll draw a picture and send it to you.
It was like an Avenger’s Assemble moment. I was trying to be really open and not give a fuck and then I see something that feels like—take what is being put out there, choose to accept it, and go down that path. And what’s the worst that could happen? I mean murder. But that rarely happens.
[Emily and Boat Man continued to correspond for a week. You can read more of their emails here.
I had planned on asking if we should meet for lunch at JFK, if we’re both flying out at the same time. And then he asked about coffee—and I was terrified.
Sarah: Can we zoom in on why “terrified?
Emily: Oh, my God! So many reasons. I was like, this is crazy. This person responded to an email on a flyer. This was going from theoretical to reality. I was so scared because I’d gotten to know this person. But I had no idea who I’m emailing, and I’m also scared about that. I had this weird fear that he wouldn't have teeth.
Sarah: Hadn’t you googled him at this point?
Emily: I had, but still. I wasn’t looking at this as romantic, we were meeting at 8 in the morning. And even if this was the love of my life, I don't think I'm gonna make out with this person after getting off a plane. And it didn’t feel like that would be on the table. It felt like we both went down this rabbit hole and then got to see it come to fruition.
The date was funny, and it was awkward because we had emailed so much. And we had just a really like nice coffee. And afterwards I felt so proud. I felt proud of myself for taking the risk. And I think the reason we got to that place of, let’s get a coffee together, was because we had both been on the same page of being open and leaning into something weird and unconventional.
It was a really affirming moment of, this is why I started. This project is for me, and to do really weird things and interact with the world. And for this to be the first activity back after I had this crisis of self—it was affirming. Because even if nothing ever happens other than I have this Substack—this is why I’m doing it. This is enough. This project doesn’t have to be turned into a book. This is enough to finish the whole list.
Sarah: And it’s like—this boat man this doesn't have to be the love of my life for it to have been an incredibly fun and rewarding experience. It doesn't have to be the Romcom.
Emily: No.
Sarah: It can just be, you met someone. We emailed, it’s a little awkward. It’s fun to meet you. The variety of emotions that come with that.
Emily: This was a cool example of why we do things, and what life can be, and the ways you can meet people and get to know them. I’m living a life that’s interesting to me, and I’m making it my own. It doesn’t matter if it’s romantic or not.
Sarah: It's such a good endpoint for what we've been talking about. You had an idea of how you wanted your life to go romantically, career wise. And you recover from that idea, and you don’t immediately get a book deal or a boyfriend. But you get something that’s affirming. And I think that’s realistic.
I think about the idea of, if you work at it, things will come. I think a lot of people feel that in dating, the right person will just come along. And it’s like, no, you need to put in the work. And that’s what I did, and it did work out for me. I met Ross. But it was everything I’d done led me to that point—meeting people, working on myself.
Emily: Yeah, I 100% agree. I don’t think the idea that, it happens when you’re not looking is true. It’s like the overnight success joke—the person who is the overnight success has been busting their ass for ten years. It’s knowing that things can look a lot different than you expected them to. The reframe that happened, for me after quitting, was to have less expectations. . I still want the same things. But I feel so much more settled in it. I know why I’m doing it. I know it’s for me.
This was the sign to keep my eyes open to other things. I’m trying to think about what I could do to be happy. Who is the person I need to be happy? And this was a sign of that to me. I don't know where it's gonna lead. I don't know what the end of this is.
Sarah: it's just really powerful to hear you say this was such a big win.
Emily": Yeah, I was reframing, what does a win need to be? And it literally was this crazy ass email experience and a coffee with a person I may never see again.
Sarah: And it was something that wouldn't have happened if you hadn't done the list.
Emily: It wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t done this work.
Sarah: It was something you put into motion. It wasn't you waiting, I might meet this man. We might trip and fall into each other. You made a move that then resulted in something that wouldn’t have happened otherwise. And that’s sick, that’s fucking amazing, and that’s something to feel really good about.
Emily: I think life can be as big as you make it. I could live a life where I finish this list, and then one day take a day job that allows me to have health insurance and pay my rent, buy a house. And if nothing else comes from this substack, fifty years from now I’ll be able to say I did this crazy thing that no one can take away from me. And I don’t need the validation about it, because it’s completely mine. It would be cool if something comes from it. But if it doesn’t I’m still doing something for me. But it would be sick to get paid.
Big thank you to Emily for chatting with me, and for turning what I thought might just be a fun conversation about who we’ve dated into a meaningful treatise on writing and autonomy.
You can subscribe to her substack here.
I’ll be back soon with Part II of this conversation—the part that ultimately leads to a retrospective of me, at 22.
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